


Restart

by Maiah4D



Series: Heal My Wounds [2]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2019-11-26 17:22:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18183542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maiah4D/pseuds/Maiah4D
Summary: Continuation of Heal My Wounds





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for giving love to Heal My Wounds, so I decided to continue their story. You can read Heal My Wounds alone if you like the ending to be that way.

**To My Dearest Junhoe,**

 

  
  
Happy 27th Birthday Junhoe, I hope you have an awesome celebration wherever you are. I hope you enjoy it with the people who are with you right now. 

  
It's been been ten years, ten miserable years without you. I keep searching and searching but you're just suddenly gone without a trace, like you never existed. I don't know if you still use this email address but I keep hoping that you read all my messages to you.

  
I want to be honest with you, I have always loved you more than a brother. Brother, that's the word that I despise with my whole being. Its the word that mocked us and separated us. 

  
I made a mistake, its not what we did. Its what I did. I left you when you needed me the most, you opened your heart to me but I trampled on your feelings. I won't ask for forgiveness through here, I want to do it when you're ready to see me.  
  
  
Ten years huh? It's really been a long time, I hope you got to do what you always want to do, visited the place you wanted to see.

  
  
This will be the last time I'm bothering you. I'm letting go of the idea that you will magically comeback in your room, bruised up waiting for me to patch you up.

  
If given a chance let me patch up the cracks in your heart.

 

 

  
I will always love you.

 

 

 

  
  
Forever Yours,  
_**Jiwon**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot has changed

"Jiwonie~!" A young Junhoe runs up to him "Look! Look! Mom made me a flower crown" Junhoe pointed on his head. Little yellow and blue flowers are arranged together rhat forms a wreath on Junhoe's head.  


  
"Woaah! Such a cutie" Jiwon pinch his brother's cheeks playfully.

  
  
"Here you can have this flower!" Junhoe excitedly gave him some flowers from his crown and puts them on top of his head "Now we match!"  
  
  
  
  
Jiwon's eye shot open, looking around his apartment. He looks at his phone and sees it's to early for him to get up. He looks at his bedside table and stares longingly at a framed picture of Junhoe.  


  
"Junhoe..." he trailed.  


  
Jiwon remembered going home to an empty apartment, he looks all over town for Junhoe. He asked everyone he knows but they all have no idea where Junhoe is. He filed a report but the police brushed off his request.

  
  
Eventually Jiwon had to move out because of college.

  
  
He closed his eyes but all he can see is Junhoe.  


  
Jiwon decided to stand up and have a glass of water. He looks at the notice posted on his fridge and sighed.  


  
"Another appointment" he said as he grabs a banana and eats it as he walks around his apartment and prepares himself to leave.  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
"Dr. Koo!" A nurse trailed after him "Dr. Kim says he wants to see you later, he says he wants to consult about his next surgery next week"

 

  
  
"Okay, tell him I'll be there after I finish my rounds" Junhoe said as he check each patients.

 

  
  
It hasn't been a month since Junhoe got transferred to this prestigious hospital, he expected to be alienated or bullied by the current doctors but instead he was welcomed warmly and praised for his previous studies.  
  
  
  


Junhoe was about to turn to a hallway when he heard a voice. He froze when he recognized who owns that voice. The voice he can't forget, the voice that he hears in his nightmares and the voice that he longs to hear again.

 

 

Junhoe back to a corner, hiding himself. His heart racing so fast, he thinks he's gonna have a panic attack.

 

 

 

"Hey I'm already here" 

 

 

"Yeah I just finished them"

 

 

"I know, I know... see you later"

 

 

"I love you too"

 

 

Junhoe's eyes widen, he gathers all of his courage to look at the other hall to finally see the owner the voice. Whe he faved the hallway all he saw was an empty halway.

 

 

"Fuck" he leans against the wall and rubs his forehead "Am I really hallucinating?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.  
> -Haruki Murakami

 

We all realize how fragile the life of a man is when they die. There’s no warning, there’s no extension, we all realize it until we take our last breath.

 

 

 

Jiwon felt his first death when he saw the empty apartment, when his lost his dear Junhoe. His second death is when he learned that he has 6 months to live, and that was 2 months ago.

 

 

Like what they said, death will come with no warning sign, but sometimes can give you a time limit.

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

 

“I’m sorry Jiwon but the result has says you have stage 3 cancer, the tumor has been growing dangerously on your liver-“

 

 

Jiwon’s ear started ringing when he first heard the news, his breath hitched as he started absorbing the news.

 

“Jiwon! Jiwon!”

 

 

“I- I’m sorry doc, what did you say again”

 

“I said, we can start your medication next week if you want”

 

 

Jiwon then just shook his head “Sorry, can I think about it first?”

 

 

“Jiwon, I understand that this is a hard thing to digest but we need to start your medication now, and do more testing to see how far has the cancer has sprea-“

 

 

“How long?” Jiwon interrupted him.

 

 

“Jiwo-“

 

 

“Goddammit! Jinhwan! How long!” Jiwon bursts out “I-I’m sorry”

 

 

 

“6 months” Jinhwan answered, he then held Jiwon’s hand

 

 

 

 

“Jiwon please get treatment, I’m not saying this as your doctor but as your boyfriend” Jinhwan was now crying “Please … please”

 

 

 

 

That was 2 months ago……..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Comments?
> 
> Please spare my small medical knowledge hhhh


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I trust you

_“Junhoe!!!” someone called Junhoe as he was organizing his things in his room._

_When he looks down from the window, he saw Jiwon holding take outs “Help me eat all these junks!!!”_

_Junhoe brightens as he saw his favorite person “Come on! What are you waiting for?”_

_They were cuddling at the sofa while watching Lion King “You know we watched this a gazillion times right?”_

_“uhuh..” Junhoe trailed off as he pretends to watch the movie, but the truth is he’s cherishing his moment with Jiwon just like this. Just the two of them._

 

_Junhoe fell asleep at that time with Lion King as the background and with Jiwon's hand brushing his soft locks gently._

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Junhoe stares at the email he received two years ago. The last email he received from Jiwon, the last email he didn’t response to.

 

 

 

He must be hallucinating a while ago. He sighed then closes his laptop, that’s right he’s just overworked. Maybe he should ask for a leave to rest.

 

 

A knock then interrupted his musings, “Doctor Koo, Doctor Kim just got out from surgery and he asked for your presence”

 

 

 

Junhoe sighed and stood up “Always bossy when he can just drop by my office” He rolled his eyes which made the nurse giggle.

 

 

 

Junhoe knocked on the door three times before he got permission to enter.

 

 

“You know you can just drop by my office right?” Junhoe complained as he walks further in Jinhwans office and sat on the chair in front of him.

 

 

 

“Where’s the fun in that?” Jinhwan teased.

 

 

 

“Well?” he raised his eyes in question

 

 

 

“There’s someone special to me who will be admitted here next month..” Jinhwan trailed.

 

 

 

“And?” he trailed as he plays with the trinkets displayed on the older doctor’s table.

 

 

 

 

“I will be sent overseas to help out on another hospital and I can only trust you to take care of him”

 

 

 

 

“I just got here you know? Why would you trust me?”

 

 

 

 

“You dumbass! We’ve known each other since medical school, before I studied abroad” Jinhwan whined “Please? For me?”

 

 

 

 

Junhoe groaned “Stop using that ‘Please for me’ you know how weak I am to that”

 

 

 

Jinhwan beamed “So? It’s a yes?” to which Junhoe nodded.

 

 

 

“So can you tell me about the patient first?” Junhoe inquired.

 

 

 

 

 

“Its Kim Jiwon, 31 years old.” Junhoe’s breath hitched

 

 

 

 

‘Junhoe calm down, there are many Kim Jiwon in the world’ he chanted in his head.

 

 

 

“Diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, after a few months of persuading. He finally agreed on undergoing treatment” The relief on Jinhwan’s face is visible which made Junhoe tease him.

 

 

 

 

“Soooo” he trailed playfully.

 

 

 

 

Jinhwan was blushing as he avoids Junhoe’s eyes “He’s… he’s my boyfriend”

 

 

 

 

“Wow” was the only comment that came out of Junhoe’s mouth “I- I don’t know what to say”

 

 

 

 

Jinhwan then rubs his temple “I know it’s complicated… but we have a deal okay?”

 

 

 

 

“Yeah yeah I got it, in return buy me that massage chair” Junhoe was delighted when he saw the horror plastered in Jinhwan’s face.

 

 

 

“Okay,,, seriously are you after my money or something?” he complained.

 

 

 

Junhoe laughed as he stood up and went to the door “Thanks Daddy~” he sing-songed as he walks out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiwon's darkest secret

Jiwon was 8 years old when he learned why he has no mommy, why it was always his father whose with him during family days. Why he’s alone on mother’s day. Why he’s alive but not his mom.

  
At age 12 his father sat with him in their kitchen as they drink their nightly hot chocolate. “I found someone” his father trailed.

 

“Is someone missing?” he dumbly ask.

 

 

“By someone, I mean I found someone who to love and grow old with” his father tries to explain to him.

 

 

Jiwon looked at his alarmed “Are you replacing me?”

 

 

His father chuckled “Of course not sport” he then hugs his son “Someday, you will want to live your life and have a family on your own. Dad wants to be with someone when that happens”

 

 

Jiwon still didn’t understand everything, but as long as his father is happy he is happy too.

 

 

  
  
At age 13 he met his future brother…. And he thinks he fell in love at first sight.

 

 

  
"Jiwon come here!" he heard his father called out, then he quickly cleaned his stuffs and grabbed his gift "Come meet Junhoe"

 

 

 

When Jiwon reached the last step, he saw the most beautiful person alive.

 

 

  
"Welcome!" Jiwon hugs him immediately, he saw that the other kid is visibly shy "Is that the new remote car I saw on tv?" He averted Junhoe’s attention to something he’s familiar with. Junhoe nodded and gave it to Jiwon and they both played until they fell asleep on Jiwon's room.

 

 

  
At age 14 their parents got married and they all lived in the same roof. It was the same year when Jiwon spilled his darkest secrets to his dad. He can’t forget the look on his father’s face when he admitted to him that he fell in love with Junhoe. He believed that it was just only a phase, a confusion that Jiwon will forget once he grew wiser and more mature.

 

 

 

At age 16 Jiwon kept himself distant with Junhoe, hoping really hard that his feelings will go away. It’s the same year when Jiwon was first confessed to by a girl. They started dating, and Jiwon thought it was a good distraction. He was 16 when he received his first kiss and then things became heated really fast. His parents are gone, and Junhoe has club activities.

 

 

 

He let his instinct get the best of him, Jiwon drowned himself with the pleasure and heat of the person he’s with.

 

 

 

Soft hands starts gripping him closer, pulling his hair. Warm lips planting heated kisses around his body.

 

 

 

The magic stopped when he accidentally uttered “Junhoe…”

 

 

 

The look on his girlfriend was pure disgust.

  


 

 

He was 18 years old when their parents died, he was the only relative that can take care of Junhoe. Jiwon was forced to be an adult, to be the mature older brother who Junhoe can rely too. In order to do that, he must bury his immoral feelings for his brother. But Junhoe started to distance himself, being in fights and cutting class.

 

 

 

He feels like he failed his parents, he failed himself… most of all he failed Junhoe.

 

 

 

At age 19, he finally figured out what happened to them. But it caused Junhoe leaving him without a trace, taking a big piece of his heart.

 

 

 

He was 19 when he felt like he died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading, even though they're short updates


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm being punished

It was in the middle of summer when Jiwon finally agrees to be confined and get treatment, he looks at the opened window and can hear cicadas buzzing outside.  
  
  
The sound made him feel calm.  
  
  
He looks over the room, and thwn his eyes trailed on the drip that's attached to his hand.  
  
  
  
Jiwon then looks at the ceiling, forcing the news that he has cancer to sink in.  
  
  
  
  
He was called selfish by Jinhwan so many times when he refused to get treated. Why would he? When the cancer already spread to majority parts of his body.

  
  
  
  
But for Jinhwan, he was willling to fight this. He was willing to get stronger and fight off these cancer cells.  
  
  
  
But Jiwon then looks down and saw a petal from the flowers Jinhwan bought him, clinging at the stem and then it snaps. It falls slown down to the table.  


  
  
  
  
"This life doesn't have long left…" he to said to himself as he smiled bitterly.

  
  
  
  
  
  
Before Jiwon could finish his sentence, the door opens a d came in the doctor in charge of him.  
  


  
  
"Mr. Kim -"  
  
  


  
The world stopped around them as they both stared at each other in shock.  
  
  


  
  
"J-Junhoe?"  
  
  


  
  
  
"Hyung" Junhoe said in disbelief For a brief moment Jiwon saw something flicker in Junhoe's eyes, then he composed himself and cleared his throat "Mr. Kim, I'm here to check your chart"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jiwon felt like a lump is stuck in his throat. His Junhoe is standing infront of him, Junhoe is fine. Thank God.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jiwon dazed off as he watch Junhoe's careful hands checking him and fixing his bed so he gets comfortable.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"I'll be back with your treatment schedule in a while" Junhoe calmly said and then he walks out of the room.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jiwon badly wants to run after him, to grab Junhoe and make him stay. But his logic got better of him.  


  
  
  
  
"Fuck" he brokenly said as he covers his face with his shaking palms, squeezing his face in frustration. Fat tears started rolling down his eyes.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
On the other side of the door, Junhoe was leaning on the door while covering his mouth. Trying to suppress the sobs that's coming out. Junhoe looks up  


 

 

  
  
  
**_"Is this my punishment for my sin?"_**


	7. Chapter 7

> _Sometimes it is…_
> 
> _The right person, the wrong time._
> 
> _The right script, the wrong line._
> 
> _The right poem, the wrong rhyme._

 

 

 

 

The hospital was busy as usual, people from every direction seems to be in a hurry. Jiwon watches them with hazy eyes, he just finished his chemo session and everything hurts. He wants to puke his guts out, but that hurts him as well. He was being wheeled in by Junhoe towards his room, the doctor picked him up after his chemo.

 

 

 

 

Through out the journey, none of them uttered a word.

 

 

 

 

For Jiwon, this feels so wrong. He was the older brother, but Junhoe is the one taking care of him. He should be the one protecting the other. Jiwon closes his eyes as he let that ugly feeling suck all of him into nothingness.

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey Junhoe” Jiwon said groggily as he looked at Junhoe “I don't like it... I really don’t like it… seeing you, seeing me like this” he whispered.

 

 

 

 

 

Junhoe observes Bobby’s state as the older looks paler from the session and his hair getting thinner. He notes to himself to check with the other doctors in charge of Jiwon.

 

 

 

 

“Hey Junhoe, say something?”

 

 

 

 

“Mr. Kim, the effect of the medicines will be out in a few hours. I suggest that you should take a rest, If you need assistance you know where the button to get the nurse. You will have another testing after a few more chemo session next month” Junhoe then start gathering the chart he’s been carrying and fixed Jiwon’s bed.

 

 

 

“Will I reach until next month?” Bobby said while he shifts his position, facing his back to Junhoe. Junhoe’s heart broke at the statement, and it breaks more when he sees the effect of the medication on Jiwon’s body.

 

 

 

But he is a doctor now.

 

 

 

 

“Rest assured Mr. Kim, we’re doing our best to treat yo-“

 

 

 

“I know it already spread to my heart, I just agreed to this to assure Jinhwan”

 

 

 

Right.

 

 

 

 

Jinhwan.

 

 

 

 

 

Kim Jinhwan, one of the best doctors in the country. His knowledge in neurology can’t be leveled, his success in every surgery he leads is very high. Kim Jinhwan who Junhoe treats as his best friend and mentor. Kim Jinhwan the handsome but goofy doctor. Kim Jinhwan….. is Bobby’s boyfriend.

 

 

 

 

“Junhoe?” Bobby was now facing Junhoe “I have a request”

 

 

 

 

Junhoe felt his throat got dry as he search for words to answer Jiwon.

 

 

 

 

“Amuse me for a while” he gave Junhoe a weak smile.

 

 

 

 

 

**_“Can we have a restart?”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating for a while, I just got busy with my trip :D
> 
>  
> 
> Thoughts? Comments?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tattoo

_**"Can we have a restart?"** _

 

Those words keeps ringing in Junhoe's head, Jiwon was being unfair with him. He stared at his coffee as he thinks back what happened after Jiwon uttered those words.

 

His thoughts we're interrupted by the ringing of his phone, he looks at the caller ID and sighed. "Hyung"

 

 

"Junhoe!" A cheerful voice welcomed him "how are you?"

 

 

"I'm fine hyung" 

 

 

Then there's silence on the other end.

 

 

"How's.. how's Jiwon?"

 

 

"We're waiting for the result of his test the other day, other than that he keeps reading books in his room... hyung? When are you coming back?"

 

 

"I still don't know.. I'm still needed here, the conference and such"

 

 

Junhoe knows he's lying, the conference was over a week ago. He knows because Jinhwan told him.

 

 

"Hyung" _stop lying please._

 

 

"What Junhoe?"

 

 

"Nothing. I should hang up now and make my rounds" 

 

 

"Okay It's nice talking to you"

 

 

 

Junhoe sighed as he ended the call, still wondering why Jinhwan lied. 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Junhoe went to Jiwon's room and find the man sleeping from the medication he received that day.

 

 

He observes Jiwon from his pale face down to his thin frame, he's still beautiful to Junhoe. His eyes then landed to Bobby's left wrist noticing a roman numeral tattoo. 

 

 

Before he knows it his hand traced the tattoo "It's an important date" Jiwon startled Junhoe "033197"

 

 

 

 _His Birthday_.

 

 

 

"It's the birthday of my precious brother" Jiwon gave him a smile but it doesn't reach his eyes.

 

 

 

 

"He's somewhere out there living his life" he then closed his eyes "that's all I ever wished for.. for him to be free"

 

 

Junhoe schooled his face, realizing what Jiwon is doing.

 

 

 

_**This is his restart.** _

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking long to update ㅠㅠ I was so caught up with work and wasnt to be able to get the feel to update.
> 
> Thank you for waiting!!


	9. DISCONTINUING

Hello I'm really sorry for discontinuing this story. For everyone who knows me on twitter last summer someone close to died of cancer and what happened made me really uncomfortable in writting with subjects like that. 

 

Im really sorry. This story has been my baby but whenever I write the next words, painful memories comes back.

 

I will not delete this story, hopefully I'll move on soon and continue this.

 

I also like to apologize not continuing stories that I've been releasing, I just dont know how to continue whenever news with Hanbin or something related to him or with iKON comes out, I always think "is this the appropriate time to release this?" "Will this make me insensitive?" "Is angst too soon?" Thoughts like that always comes flooding in my head. 

 

I hope you guys understand. 

 

Again I apologize for everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? Comments?


End file.
